If I could sum up the feelings that swirled through my soul, heart, and mind during that difficult time, that prayer was mine.

Joy was gone. The carefree childhood was wiped away and in its place was fear, darkness, and pain.

I could hardly bare to go about my day and each one was a struggle. I did not know God’s plan but I knew He knew what He was doing it. I just couldn’t tell where the darkness ended and the light began.

I feel that my story can be a testimony of hope. A story of God’s faithfulness. I’ve seen the pain that mental illness causes and yet I have seen the joy in bringing it to my Saviour and watching him heal the pain, feelings of failure, and discouragement.

If you would have met me as a child, you would have seen a joyful, bubbly, carefree girl. Ready to be in centre-stage every moment of every day. Ready to tackle anything with a willingness and enthusiasm.

Fast forward to my teen years: a high achiever, involved in every kind of community project and endeavor. Joyful. Carefree.

Raised in a home that strived to honor God as a family, I was passionate about my faith. I was encouraged in finding answers on my own, learning my faith for myself, and not just talking the talk but walking the walk.

True, I was confident, sure, and solid. Or so I thought. Everything seemed perfect. What could go wrong?

The Lord knew that something loomed on the horizon. He knew the story of every one of my tears and what I would go through, although I was oblivious to it all. And when it came, my world seemed to come crashing down.

The silent illness. Yes, it is sometimes not talked about. Sometimes shadowed in mystery and the unknown.

Mental Illness is something that no one fully understands until they’ve gone through its turns and twists and come out on the other side.

Confusion. That was what I felt at first. Simple tasks that I could do before I could not do now. 

I felt on fire and chilled all at the same time. A deep sadness and weight seemed settled on my soul and I could not shake it. It seemed to pull me down and take away every ounce of strength I had. The tears flowed - for days. 

The bright, happy young woman was gone and instead, there was a broken soul reaching out for help.

My parents and friends lifted me in prayer and Christian professionals came to my aid.

I was facing a struggle. I could not see the light, but yet, I knew it must be there.

Groping for hope, for meaning, and for peace, I did not know what to do.

In that darkness, a ray of hope came. A verse came to my mind. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

I had been in bed when the two-foot poster at the foot of my bed spoke to me. It depicted a girl planting a small plant, and with it was the verse.

I repeated this passage over and over again to myself. It was my lifeline. I did not know what the future held. But if I had faith that God had a plan for my life, even if I could not see it now, then I had true faith. Though I did not understand His plan at this point, I knew He was infinite and His plan was higher than me.

That’s when I realized something. My life, everything I was holding onto before, my confidence - all of it - was held by the infinite God and He was the great healer of my soul! It was nothing to hold onto this. Because I was not in control. He was. And He loved me in spite of my inability to do anything on my own.

Only when I was in my darkest hour (at the time) did I find a love, far deeper, far greater than I could imagine. More Bible verses of promise would flash to my mind and I would repeat them. They kept me going, got me through that dark tunnel of the unknown.

If you ever experience this deep, dark place when all hope seems lost and you feel forsaken, know that 

Jesus is very faithful. There IS HOPE in the darkness.

He will never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5b), He will cause your sorrow to be turned to joy (John 16:20), and even if you don’t understand God has a plan for your life like no other - He will not disappoint.

For me, I found that through this experience, I learned that I cannot do anything on my own and my life is not mine - it is Christ’s.

What I do is not me doing it, but Christ doing it through me. His love must shine forth. His goodness must be shown. His holiness must be mirrored. 

What can I say about trials? Is it not through hard times that we learn the best lessons of our lives? Are they not refining our character for good, just like gold is refined many times to become pure and reflect the light? They may be hard to bear, but we know that God gives us all the strength to

overcome (2 Corinthians 12:9) My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

In my story, my family and I were able to show something of God’s love to the many doctors and councellors that I saw during this time. They saw a family that wanted to serve God, parents that loved their children, and God’s hand working in their lives. 

My utter weakness turned out to be the time God could work the most - give me the strength to overcome, and show HIS LOVE.

It truly was a blessing in disguise which I never would have seen then. For, I would not be where I am, doing what I’m doing today if it were not for this hard time in my life. It changed the direction in my life, and I’m grateful for this.

It gave me an empathy for others, that wasn’t quite there the same way before.

Through my experience, I pray that I will have the opportunity to breathe into someone else’s hopelessness the love and wonderful faithfulness of Christ. 

The hope that no matter what we go through here on earth, no matter what we don’t understand, no matter how helpless we feel at times, God’s love is always there and He uses these circumstances for our GOOD! Even if we never understand the good on this earth.

If you are going through something similar,  find comfort in the fact that as you go through the steps you need to get well, God is by your side.

His love is engulfing you, and he wraps His infinite wings of grace about you.

Have hope, you are never alone and God will never forsake you. You can be sure. Very sure of that. 

Because through our broken hallelujahs our greatest triumphs are made!